Do you talk more than you listen?

Listening is a skill which needs to be practiced and honed to perfection. Most people want to be "heard" and while engaged in a conversation we often begin to discuss, dispute, argue with, and state our own stance which creates a conversational divide.

Would you be willing to set a goal this month on "listening?" Catch yourself interrupting, challenging or disputing and change your conversational approach. See if making this change allows you to feel closer to your partner. See if doing this creates more intimacy.

You will be glad you set listening as a priority.

People sometimes seek therapy when they find themselves married or in a relationship yet "in love with another." How does this happen? What are the dynamics occurring where this would become possible?

If one partner feels unloved, unaccepted, disrespected, dismissed, or unimportant, one might find themselves seeking love and validation somewhere other than with the primary partner.

This can create angst, low self-esteem, guilt, deception, lies and emotional and sexual affairs. It is human nature to want to be loved, unconditionally accepted, affirmed, validated and heard. If these main desires are being unmet in one's primary relationship, one may stray. This sometimes happens intentionally but mostly unintentional attention is paid to another person and they begin to fell alive and loved.

How can you avoid this happening in your marriage? Do you display genuine love and affection to your partner on a daily basis? Do you go out of the way to do special tasks for your lover? Do you meet your spouse's need intimately on their desired schedule? Are you selfless and compromising?

Do you ask yourself, is what I am doing "loving?"

Take an intentional, romantic vacation.
Why?
It may rekindle the initial romance which you felt for one another.
As time goes on in a relationship, oftentimes partners begin to take each other for granted and become hyper-critical of one another. Planning a trip together can  rekindle the romantic feelings which a couple initially felt upon meeting and dating one another.
Where might you like to go? The same place where you spent the honeymoon? A new exotic locale which offers the sun, beach and tropical flowers?
www.HIprivatetours.com
Or the mountains with beautiful romantic vistas?
Start thinking about making your marriage a priority and plan a romantic get-a-way.

The season of elections has brought strong feelings for many of us. I have heard some clients report that a difference of opinion on candidates has divided couples and families.

Having the ability to voice one's own opinion about politics in the home should be encouraged and the significant other should be open to hearing the other's opinion.

It all boils down to respect. Even when we disagree.

Talk, discuss, hear one another and validate the other's feelings yet it is not necessary to agree.

Holidays are upon us and the season of elections has been determined. Don't let the difference of opinions keep a divide in your intimacy.

Love one another every single day.

Have you ever complained about your spouse not meeting your needs? Why do you think that is? Why would one think that another could possibly meet all of the other's needs?

In our culture we hear a lot of, "me," "me," "me." There is and never was a guarantee that another person would promise to meet your every desire or need. No person is capable of fulfilling everything for another. That is a pipedream and sets one up for disappointment and resentment.

Having realistic expectations for one another leads to happier and healthier relationships. If your spouse is not your soul mate then perhaps a genuine heart to heart discussion might enlighten both of you about needs, expectations and desires for fulfillment and happiness within a relationship.

Ask yourself, what do I really want? What do I really desire? What do I really need? What is negotiable and what is a deal-breaker? What are you satisfied with minimally speaking and what is the ideal?

Are you providing everything your significant other wants? If not, why not? Sometimes couples get into a punishment scenario which goes like; I am not getting what I need so I refuse to give you what you need. A tit for a tat. That scenario rarely leads to a satisfactory relationship or solution.

Communication is key in meeting each others needs. Are you willing to risk approaching your lover and asking for what you need and providing what he/she needs in return? A counselor can assist with successful communication techniques which may make each of you happier and more fulfilled in your loving caring partnerships.

Being in a relationship with a spouse or lover may take lots of patience as we each have different personalities and temperaments which reflect upon the ways we interact with a trusted other.

What are some ways you use patience and kindness in your relationship?
Some clients have shared these techniques;
1. Breathe deeply before confronting your spouse on an issue.
2. Use the golden or platinum rule with one's lover. Treat them how they desire to be treated.
3. Ask yourself before speaking, "Is this kind, necessary and loving?"
4. How might you wish to be approached by your significant other? Use that same approach with respect.
5. Smile before saying anything.
6. Preface any comment by saying, "Love comes first..."
7. I feel ____when ____because my family of origin issues tend to trigger strong emotions for me.
8. When I look at you, I see a committed partner with similar goals for our relationship so I know we can brainstorm options and opportunities.
9. Walk away before saying a criticism, negative comment, or an angry statement and think before speaking.
10. Love is the most important concept to uphold in our relationship so I will ask myself before speaking, "Is this comment spoken out of love?"

Try some of these techniques and you may see a positive change in your intimate communication.

Summer conjures up thoughts and feelings of warm, fun in the sunshine, swimming, picnics, family outings.

However, at times we may find ourselves disappointed and frustrated that the summer outings disappoint. This all boils down to expectations. Are your realistic or unrealistic? How ha having expectations led you to feel unhappy and dissatisfied?

How can you be assured that your summer plans with your partner or spouse turn into wonderful gatherings? What can you do to ensure that you and your spouse don't become depressed, disillusioned or frustrated when plans go awry?

Top Ten Ideas for Staying Happy With Your Partner on Summer Outings;
1. Discuss plans in detail with your partner
2. Elicit ideas and participation from your spouse when making plans
3. Flexibility is key when glitches arise.
4. Change your own response to changes or disappointments during family outings.
5. Be open to looking at different situations with a clear lense.
6. Laugh, smile and giggle!
7. Find humor in the frustrations.
8. Talk about upsetting things that transpire.
9. Agree to disagree or use conflict resolution skills to get through issues.
10. Value each moment together as it is precious!

I was speaking with my eldest son today and we were discussing, "the meaning of life and what it is and isn't." I was reminded of the importance of sharing with those you love on a daily basis, your tender feelings and appreciations which at times we take for granted.

Have you told your significant other just how much they mean to you today? If not, I encourage you to be generous with love, affirmations and compliments. Why not? All of those things are free and feel good both to the giver and the receiver.

Show your love and appreciation daily and often. It helps connect two people in an intimate way.

Life flies by and we don't want to be caught off guard without truly sharing our real feelings with those we love.

Say "I love you freely, often and with enthusiasm!"